Somehow it is Monday again already. It is unclear to me how this is possible, but as we all know time has lost all meaning.
However that does mean it’s time for a check in.
I am, perennially, constantly, dealing again with exhaustion and sleep problems. Almost every day this week I have unintentionally napped for 3+ hours, then stayed up later than I intended and gotten not enough sleep overnight (read: 7.5 hours rather than 9-10).
It turns out that this is a massive pain in the ass that is interfering with work and aerials and eating and cleaning and basically every possible part of my life. I’m so wildly sick of thinking that I have it under control and then having it hit again and leave me with not enough hours in the day.
When I first started taking stimulant medications I was incredibly sensitive to them: a half pill was enough to keep me awake all day. Now I’m finding that even with my meds I can still fall asleep, which is a big NOT what I wanted. I’m thinking I may experiment with taking a full pill instead of a half pill (don’t worry, doc has given me full leave to go up to two pills per day depending on what works for me).
Of course that brings me to concern 2: my GP has retired. Now this is a bummer because I liked her in general but it is MORE of a bummer because she prescribed me my anti-depressants. I’m starting to run low and boy howdy do I not want to try to find a new doc right now. Of course I have the doc who worked with me on my sleep issues, but I’m not 100% sure if he’s good with prescribing me my anti depressants. Basically I would very much like to just be able to call my doctor and continue having the medication I have been taking for years that is incredibly effective for me and instead I now have to do some stressful problem solving and maneuvering in the medical system which is NOT a thing I want.
I get why it’s important to have docs check in on meds like this, but fuck. After like 2 years can’t I just HAVE them? Especially for people with executive function challenges and social anxieties, this is a huge barrier to accessing services.
In conjunction with all of this I’ve been really struggling with keeping a coherent and reasonable schedule. It’s making it tough to be online and “at work” during the hours that are normal. Instead I’m working on Labor Day because I fell asleep at 3:00 on Friday instead of finishing out my work day.
This makes a lot of sense when I spend all day every day just sitting on my couch and there’s very little to indicate what I should be doing. I’ve been thinking a lot about both the benefits and costs of working from home, and what my ideal set up would be if we ever start going places again.
I’m feeling really torn between two things: going to an office HIGHLY increases my ability to focus for long periods of time and gives my brain a clear “this is working time” signal. On the other hand, before quarantine I was driving approximately 2-3 hours every day, which was a massive waste of my time. Add in that working from home gives me the freedom to throw in a load of laundry in the middle of the day, or take a five minute break to sweep the kitchen, and there’s a lot of effectiveness that’s coming out of working from home.
I’m an optimizer and I don’t feel like I can optimize and let me tell you that just pushes my buttons.
I’m definitely at one of those places where I want to START things. I don’t need to start new things. I have plenty to occupy my time. I don’t need to learn how to draw, or embroider, or build databases from scratch, or take on multiple new freelance clients, or start running social media for a volunteer organization.
But I’m getting stir crazy. And that’s what I do. I’m just trying hard to keep it to one or two new things instead of five or six. Here’s hoping it works.
Positives of this week: I have made HUGE progress on a couple of my aerial goals and feel SO GOOD about it. Also I’ve gotten some expectations of consistency from a few freelance clients which I am very much looking forward to. Weirdly it has been a pretty dang good week, even as I’m overthinking absolutely everything. What a surprise.