An Uncertain Future

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This week has felt immensely long. On Friday my work laptop stopped charging correctly. On Saturday I worked eight hours for a freelance site doing live updates on Trump’s health (ew). At the same time, I’ve finally had some much-needed downtime in terms of working out, and my body is incredibly grateful. I also got to do an aerial photoshoot yesterday and it was life-giving. Being the absolute center of attention for 10 minutes while people you love just yell at you about how amazing you are feels pretty fucking stellar.
October also happens to be the month that my goal planner designates as the beginning of “fall”, which means reviewing and resetting my goals. I’ve got to be honest, it feels fucking weird to be trying to do that right now. The planner asks each month what you’re excited for, and I haven’t had an answer since March. What the fuck am I supposed to look forward to? How am I supposed to make plans for the future? Goal-setting feels bizarre and almost futile.
And yet. When I look at the goals from the beginning of the year and the past couple seasons, I’ve made huge progress on them. I’ve built up almost ten new habits that are now second nature that have made my life significantly better. I’ve adjusted my living space in pretty large ways to fit my work at home needs. I’ve started volunteering. I’ve stayed in touch with friends and community. Jacob and I have come up with new ways to keep our relationship from becoming awful while we’re stuck in the house together. I fucking came out. I paid off half of our student loans. I’ve started refinishing furniture. I’m writing my blog again. I got a raise. I’m reading more than ever. I transitioned our whole office to a new database and got all of our old data moved over without murdering anyone.
Progress is still possible.
But somehow I feel like I’ve run out of space to move in this pandemic. I don’t know what to aim for. I don’t know where to go. And as much as I like routines, I hate hate hate feeling as if I don’t have a Big Thing that I’m working on.
Maybe it will be good for me to slow down and focus my goals on small changes to my quality of life right now. Maybe it’s good that I’m finally coming back to the things I write down in my goals over and over but never really focus on.
But boy howdy do I hate it. I feel listless and purposeless.
In other news, I started reading Burnout by Emily and Amelia Nagoski, and I once again find myself frustrated with everyone who gives advice on how to manage burnout or improve self-care or do the emotion regulation thing, because I ALREADY DO ALL THOSE THINGS and I’m still exhausted and burnt out. I keep hoping someone else has more or better ideas, but it’s almost always the same basic shit, which absolutely helps and is good advice! It just hasn’t quite gotten me to a point where I feel like I’m thriving rather than treading water.
What a bummer of a post. It’s cold out, my body is already transitioning to SAD, you can’t blame me.

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